JG: Islanders.

Please help.

The NY Islanders are not getting their new arena.  Sure, they suck, and sure, who cares about hockey, but I have the foresight to see what’s actually happening here, and it could prove devastating to the 118-mile we stretch we lovably call Long Island.

As well documented on GetOffOurIsland.com, the rampant expansion of Jersey-Shore-type-folk (colloquially guidos) is undeniable, taking a virtual stranglehold over Nassau County and slowly permeating into Suffolk, as they inevitably passed by a few bars they realized they needed to ruin as they headed east to the Hamptons for a few ‘Guns Out’ weekends.

How The Guido Stole Christmas

As the end of the world steadily approaches & an angry God keeps sending erratic weather patterns, erosion is a huge problem for Lady Long Island.  With this, the width of the isle is decreasing, thus people must jockey for positioning & power, and with the size of the guido population rising, it’s turning into some kind of fucked-up, fist-pumping version of Lord of the Flies.  And they’re not having trouble seizing power either, considering the only people left in Nassau are guidos, old & cranky folk, and the Koster family.

What I’m getting at here is this: the Islanders at Nassau Coliseum represented a mecca where thousands of regular white guys who like to get drunk & yell things at other white guys could congregate together.  Though all we are technically losing is one shitty hockey team, it meant so much more to so many, and is a huge blow in the efforts to prevent our Island’s social makeup from consisting solely of blowouts, in-your-face-go-fuck-yourself attitudes, zero respect for elders (or children), no bar manners, energy drink consumers, and whatever the opposite of chivalry is. (Seen below: The craze corrupting our youth... whatever happened to Pokemon cards?)

Bottom line is: I want to walk into a pizza place and see a cute, chubby little Italian man tossing rounded dough into the air and talking like he’s Super Mario.  I do not want to walk in and hear some tan, sleeve-less, hollow, no-condom-wearing twentysomething start loud conversations with phrases such as, “Yo, I was talking to this one bitch last night…” and telling 17-year-old patrons, “Yo, baby, you should come out with me sometime, if you come out with me – we get crazy.”

So I’m not sure what exactly this is: It is, of course, meant to spread awareness, as well as a call to arms (and creativity) to help buck this trend.  Perhaps, if the Islanders can stay close by, it can be one small step back in the right direction.