Into this epoch of great deeds came Zeus, Lord of Olympus. He traveled down to the realm of mortality to attend the feast of King Peleus of Thebes. Peleus, who had gained both renown and wealth in many battles, was known for the beauty of his daughter, Xanthippe. A youthful maiden of tender years, her beauty was said to rival that of Aphrodite. As such, Peleus had set his mind to marry her to King Brasidas of Sparta, thereby increasing his prestige. Xanthippe, for her part, wanted nothing to do with the aging tyrant of Sparta and wished only to follow her heart. Thus, when a golden youth appeared at the Feast of Anthesteria, she swooned over the new arrival. King Peleus was wary of this newcomer and attempted to send him away, but Xanthippe reminded him of his duties as host. Thus, Peleus could only watch with dismay as Xanthippe fawned over the youth who not only consumed 4 racks of lamb, but polished off 5 amphorae of the choicest wine. As the Feast was ending, the youth presented a gift to King Peleus. Effervescent with nebulosity, the azure drink contained the essence of Morpheus, God of Dreams. Reluctantly taking the drink from the young man he despised, Peleus soon fell into a deep sleep. With Peleus out of the way, the youth led Xanthippe to the deserted courtyard wherein he revealed his divine nature. What followed could only be described as the Immaculate Failure of Contraception. Zeus’ divine nature came through and he made not just Eros to Xanthippe, but they made sweet Agape. When he was finished, Zeus made a prophecy unto her, “Ye and though I must leave you now, do not fear, for I have given you a child to remember me by. Nurture him well, and when the time is right reveal unto him that he is my son. He will be a child of destiny, whose name will one day ring out to all the ends of the Earth.” With that Zeus departed for Olympus, quickly combing his beard and using LISTERINE®, shouldest Hera suspect his infidelity by lack of product placement. Xanthippe, now exhausted from the virility of his lovemaking, fell into the most peaceful of slumbers.
Now in the days and weeks that followed, Xanthippe realized that she must conceal her embarrassment (from which we get the Latin word embarrasado meaning pregnant) from King Peleus, lest he put her out for harlotry. Soon, however, her swollen womb could no longer remain hidden under loose fitting togas and she was forced to admit her indiscretion before the King. In a tirade for the aegis, Peleus berated her with cries words of “loose woman! Whore! Salty Wench! Harlot! Painted Lady! and Trick!”. In her emotional duress, she began having contractions. In only a moment’s time, a child emerged in an aura of divinity. Peleus, now beside himself with rage, made to end the child’s short life with a knife. The infant, swaddled in the essence of the gods, caught Peleus’ hand and threw him to the ground with the strength of a grown man. The skies now opened up and the wrath of Zeus descended upon Peleus with a thunderbolt. As Peleus collapsed in a smoldering heap of charred flesh, a voice spaketh from the heavens saying, “This is my son, who shall be called Bobbyseus! To those who would oppose him, look to Peleus as a model!” The people of Thebes bowed before Xanthippe and Bobbyseus and paid him homage. Below the Earth, however, the all-pervading silence was broken by the rage of Hades. You see, Hades coveted Xanthippe and was yet again outdone by his brother Zeus. In his fury, he vowed that Bobbyseus would not reside for long in the land of the living. DUN DUN DUNNNN
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