MM: Oh Crap! My Book Just Died...I Gotta Go Plug It In And Recharge!

The title to this post is a sentence that was never meant to be spoken in the past, present, or future of the universe.

I’m starting to realize that almost all of my posts on The Stairs are me complaining about change. I apologize. But I feel very strongly about this so here we go again…

A few days ago I went to Barnes and Noble with my mom because I wanted to buy a book and I knew if I went with her she would offer to buy it and I would insist that “no, no, I got it, don’t worry about it,” and then she still wouldn’t let me pay for it and I would get a free book. Win!

Anyway, we walked into the store and were greeted by a giant display counter with Nook stuff all over the place. For anyone who is not in-the-know on the latest technology, the Nook is this small rectangular device on which you can buy and read books. That’s about as technical as I can get describing it without making a fool of myself, but I can explain it in plenty of other ways. A tragedy in the world of literature. The end of books as we know it. One of the many steps society is taking toward a future of lazy, boneless individuals who are unaware of the simple pleasures of the world around them. Picture the future depicted in WALL-E. That’s what we’re headed for. All because of the Nook. (Let’s just hope WALL-E and Eeeeeeevvvvvaaaa will be around to save us from imprisonment within our lifeless bodies and unstimulated minds.)

My mom had been considering looking into buying one of these satanic devices for a while, so the display grabbed her attention. I made the mistake of abandoning her to go search for my book, and returned to find a Barnes and Noble employee asking her which cover she would like for her new Nook. NOOOOO!!!!!!

I’ll admit; the Nook guy was pretty convincing. If I wasn’t so opposed to change and a little bit less poor, I probably would’ve been walking out of there with a Nook too. My mom ate up everything he said, but my skepticism and love for books had me rolling my eyes as he exclaimed that you could buy a book in seconds and that it didn’t hurt your eyes and that it had a built-in dictionary. I got the impression the guy didn’t like me very much. But whatever, I will never turn to the Dark Side.

Unfortunately, for my mom to get anything out of her new Nook, she needed me to help her set it up. As most of you know, parents and technology should never be combined. While I didn’t want to enable the use of this blasphemous purchase, my mom had bought me a book before we left the store, and she would be providing me dinner for the next week, so I begrudgingly set up the device. I got to know the thing pretty well, so I think I am informed enough to argue against it. Here are just a few of my problems with the Nook and eBooks in general:

BOOK vs. NOOK

Something tells me the Monster Book of Monsters
 wouldn't be the same as an eBook

1. The Nook can hold up to 1500 books and if you somehow own more than 1500 books there’s some backup archive thing so no worries!

That’s all fine and great, but it’s no replacement for an actual library. How are you supposed to build up a façade of intelligence and sophistication with shelves of Hemingway and Tolstoy and Faulkner for all the people that walk into your home if your books are contained inside 8x5 computer? Buying a Nook means you forgo the colorful covers and spines that give your book character and an identity. The Nook makes your favorite book just a few megabytes in a digital database that no one will ever see.

2. The Nook makes life easier for you: no need to lug heavy books around or even use the energy to turn pages! And you no longer have to get up off the couch and drive to your nearest bookstore the buy a book – just power up your Nook and download it in seconds!

It is true that the Nook does make reading-on-the-go way easier. There have been many times when I couldn’t decide which book I wanted to bring along on a journey, so I brought two or three, which take up a good amount of space in my bag. And the fact that you can put all your textbooks on it is pretty convenient. I cannot deny any of this. But I think having a backpack bursting with books as you run to catch the bus builds a lot of character, especially if it splits open and spills all your precious documents into a puddle. Children are now going to grow up to be a bunch of softies that complain if they have to carry anything more than a pound father than five feet.

3. The Nook is saving the environment! Less paper equals more trees, fresher air, less trash.

Yeah it’s saving the environment, but it’s also going to take away jobs from countless people. The companies that supply the paper, the companies that make the covers, the companies that bind everything together, the companies that print everything…I’m sure I could come up with a dozen others. And going back to the previous point, by eliminating the need to go to bookstores, the Nook actually eliminates the need to even have bookstores. Soon enough, that dude that sold my mom the Nook will be sitting on his couch, unemployed, cursing the Nook he is holding in his hands because he is out of a job and cannot even afford to buy anything on the blasted device.

4. The Nook charge lasts for about 10 days worth of reading (or 20 hours!).

Twenty hours of battery life is more than I would have estimated, but the fact that you have to recharge your book still baffles my mind. Like every piece of technology, the battery life will deteriorate and the system will start to lag and you’ll probably have to return it or get it fixed at least twice. This is not how reading is supposed to work! You’re supposed to be able to take books on the beach without worrying about getting sand on them. If you get caught in a thunderstorm and your book gets wet, that’s unfortunate but once you let it dry it has a nice weathered look to it and is still completely readable. Dropping your nook in some sand or dirt probably won’t end too well. In fact, I would guess dropping it at all isn’t advisable. And spill some water on it you’re out $150.

5. The Nook offers so many things that books never could: digital lending, a built-in dictionary, Wi-Fi that gives you instant access to pretty much every book ever written…

Here’s where I just throw up my arms and turn into an old person who says “what is this world coming too!? Back in the good ol’ days we drove to the library if we didn’t want to buy a book. Or we’d borrow one from friends. Or we’d save up and go to the bookstore and browse the shelves with the physical books right before our very eyes. Shelves and shelves of thousands of books! It was quite the sight…”

The dictionary is pretty cool though. But there’s always Google. Or an actual dictionary but that’s something that our grandparents can lament the obsoleteness off.

My main point is this: Nooks take away what books actually are – binded pages that tell a story. The essential parts of the book-reading experience are opening up to that first page, turning each one as you feel it beneath your fingertips, leaving a ticket stub or receipt in the spot you stopped reading. All of this disappears with the Nook. You have to press a power button to read your book. This is just absurd, I cannot put it any more eloquently. No matter how many times you read your favorite book on a Nook, it will never show the wear and tear and love that that book received. No more bent spines or dog-eared pages or coffee stains. Just an impersonal, weightless file on a computer.

To each his own, I guess. My mom is so proud of being more technologically advanced than me and makes a big show of stretching out on the couch and powering up her Nook every night when she reads. She’s happy, so I’ll let this particular Nook customer slide. But if you run across me ten years from now sitting on a bench reading from a Nook, please slap me in the face, steal it, and throw it in the nearest trashcan or body of water. I’ll be eternally greatful, I’m sure.

Peace out!

Meag 

JF: A Poem for Toys R Us Kids

Ed. Note: After reading Meag's post on graduation/general explosions of youthful glory, I decided to post this similiarly-themed poem I wrote last week. Also, this poem was originally written on my kickass typewriter. Enjoy.

Miracle Bubbles

Mother mixes soap & water in a stone washbasin
      & combs the mixture with a wooden fork.

You & I take turns raking the wind,
     berthing a stream of translucent planets,
     a rainbow in e v e r y o n e.
We haunch low beneath their wobbling orbit
     & do our best to break them on our nose-bridges,
     another miracle exploding into the afternoon sky.
You & I, we giggle like little kids
     because that’s what we are.

CW: Listen, I Just Don't Understand Domestic Animals

I don’t know when I came to this realization, but I do not understand domesticated animals. Dogs, cats, ferrets, birds, fish… I don’t care if it’s swimming, running, flying, I just do not understand the appeal of having an animal live in your home. Many people rag on me about my anti-pet mindset, which prompts many debates where I just cannot win and conclude with saying, “different strokes for different folks” but not this time avid Stair readers!


Today I took the advice of MM and instead of packing for college I watched “Marley and Me”. Why would a person like me watch such a movie? Because I WANT to understand pets, more specifically…dogs. People freaking LOVE dogs! WHY?? Last week I had my first experience babysitting a family who has a dog. As I walked in the dog and I just had a stare down; we both knew we were in for a challenging night. The kids and I were having a great time dancing to Michael Jackson in the basement until I went upstairs for some waters. Not much to my surprise that filthy dog peed on the floor. Taking the 6 years old’s advice I cleaned the pee up with Windex. Does Windex have some special dog repellent in it? Does it have a strong chemical that secretly does an exceptional job at killing dog pee germs? I asked myself these questions as I forwent the Lysol for Windex. Who am I to question the dog-loving 6 year old? Not knowing the excretion system of dogs I figured it needed to let some more waste out, so I released it outside. The children exclaimed the dog didn’t have its collar on so all three of us went running outside after the dog. The 8 year old finally caught it and put it on its leash (should I not be calling this dog an ‘it’?). We tie it up to the basketball net and continue to play nicely outside, enjoying our dear old time; talking about Shark Week and jumping over ropes. Again, not much to my surprise the dog is digging in the dirt, getting all dirty! That’s what dogs, by wild nature, are supposed to do. But this dog lives in a beautiful home on the mainline of Villanova. I’m sure mud and dirt and worms are unwanted on this family’s Ralph Lauren couches. I immediately take the dog inside to its cage, wag my finger at it and sternly say, “bad dog!” even though I don’t think it did anything wrong, it’s a dog, but don’t they need to be reprimanded in some way? Eventually the kids want the dog out of the cage so I let it out as we go upstairs. Mmm less than 10 minutes upstairs, the 8 year old tells me the dog is pooping…on the carpet. I just look at it, telling the kids I have no idea what to do, I don’t know what to do with dogs. Eventually I clean it up, put the dog in the cage, wag my finger and say, “bad dog!”

This suit would have been nice to have for the dog.

Now, I do not blame dogs. How are they to know any better? They are wild animals who belong in nature, free to sniff butts, poop anywhere, lick anything, run around and worry about knocking over laps or tearing up furniture. It’s what they do! I blame humans who try to tame animals for their own emotional benefit and hedonistic pleasure. I’m a psych major so you’d think I’d understand this cognitive/emotional attachment thing, right? Nope. But, I do know that many beliefs and thoughts stem from childhood. Growing up I had 4 older siblings, two little brothers and a fish. That’s all we could handle. Why have dogs when you have the love and attention from 6 siblings? It’s really annoying to me that I don’t understand dogs and the emotional “man’s best friend” connection. That’s why when I’m older I want a dog for my children so they don’t have to suffer through harangues from their friends about how pets love you no matter what, they don’t judge you, they’re so friendly and cute, they don’t care if you got a bad grade or a horrific haircut. Whatever. They don’t know because they’re animals!!

Someone must be trying to tell me something because in the last 2 weeks I’ve had more encounters with pets than I ever have. I went to my brother and sister-in-laws’ apartment where I tried to bond with their two cats. FAIL. I tried to cuddle them and pet them and hold them, reassuring them I wasn’t going to hurt them, but they didn’t believe me and ran away!! I’m trying here, cats! Give me a chance, listen to me, let me TRY to love you! Then I went to my boyfriend’s house where they have pee-pads set up near the door in case the dog isn’t let out in time. You’re just going to have a pee-soaked pad in your house? Even worse, he stepped on the pee-pad! I don’t want that in my home where I eat and sleep and lay and play. Let’s face it, animals are dirty and I don’t want some four-legged creature running around my home or a smelly fish tank or unsightly bird cage. Life is hard enough, people. Why burden yourself with a pet?

[SPOLIER ALERT!!] Honestly, at the end of “Marley and Me” I got a little sad when I saw the kids crying, not because the dog died, but because the kids were so upset! Poor kids, getting so emotionally involved and wrapped up in a dog…that doesn’t even speak! If that dog I was sitting said, “Hey, girl I really gotta go. Can you let me out so I don’t poop all over the place?” I would have responded, “Yeaaaah doggie, of course! Thanks for letting me know. When you do poop, could you pick it up? I have friends coming over for a BBQ.”

GET AT ME.

*Note* I understand that humans are also animals, but c'mon, there's no arguing we're way superior than most.

MM: Calling All Toys R' Us Kids!

I really tried not to vent about this but I failed...

A few weeks ago I received a very solemn letter in the mail. “URGENT: Graduation Materials Enclosed” was stamped in red letters across the front, inciting a long, drawn out “NOOOOOOOOO” inside my head. As much as my friends and I have been saying we cannot believe we are seniors in college, I had never actually had to confront the official idea of it until that dreaded letter showed up in my mailbox. My fellow classmates also felt the pain of that horrible correspondence.

Where did the carefree summers of our youth go!? Why do we work instead of sleeping in every day and enjoying the sunshine? We’re not supposed to pay bills; that’s something grownups do! We’re not grownups! We’re supposed to use our money to buy clothes or movies or concert tickets or alcohol (because while we are not grownups we are 21 and can do such things!). How were we nervous, awkward freshman just yesterday and now we’re seniors having to confirm degree audits and actually think about what we need to do to graduate and leave college behind…FOR. EV. ER.? Cue the “I Don’t Wanna Grow Up, I’m a Toys R’ Us Kid” song.

When did we get so big we couldn't even fit on Big Wheels anymore?

To which I say, let’s not grow up! For now, anyways. Let’s enjoy these last couple weeks of summer in our respective locations and then unite at Loyola and live up our final months as kids yet to be thrown into the gauntlet that is the real world. We’ve had our small taste of it, and for the most part it is not very delicious. Kind of tastes like the most disgusting vegetable you can think of (for me: beets).

Then and Now: These clowns are still livin' it up 3 years later; why shouldn't you?

So do not pass up any opportunities to bask in the glory of being young and not completely responsible yet. If you’re ever torn on whether you should go out or not, GO OUT. We don’t even have to resort to the cramped and smelly confines of Murphy’s or Craig’s anymore (though they, of course, will be frequented). If you find a day where you have nothing to do and you wonder if you should do some homework, DON’T DO THE HOMEWORK. Homework is for the night (or hour) before class. Do something fun instead. We have one year left to explore Baltimore and leave our mark on a city we have been living in for three years. Let’s not hold back. Who knows if we’ll all be together again? (Oh dear, that is depressing; I apologize. Who knows when we’ll all be together again?)

Love your friends.

I’m obviously not promoting failing out of school or getting fired from jobs or anything. I don’t want any of you working at McDonalds for the rest of your life (nothing against that fine fast-food establishment). I’m simply calling everyone to take a step back, realize that this is all the time we have left, and to not let it go to waste by stressing over work or grades or being a real person. We don’t have to be real people quite yet. But when that time does come, I’m sure you’ll all own it.

Okie doke, gotta go slice some deli meat all day so I can fund this upcoming year of fun.

Peace out!
Meag

JG: I'm Losing Things.

Today, I realized I had lost two stories I had written about a year ago.  Then, in a fit of awesome, I found one of them.  Here it is before I lose it again.

All in Jest

*inspired by Shel Silverstein

There once was a young boy who followed around the local jester wherever he would go.  The boy wanted nothing more than to be just like the jester.  He simply wanted to make people laugh and see the smiles upon their faces.  It was said that the young boy’s smile was the most beautiful thing in the entire kingdom, and he was the happiest little boy anyone had ever seen...  But wait, this isn’t the story of the boy.  This is the story of the jester.  Let’s start over then, shall we?

            And so, here it goes.  There once was a typical jester in a typical kingdom ruled by a typical king.  Every day there would be a grand luncheon and the jester would entertain the king and his distinguished guests.  The crowd would laugh and the jester would smile, and the jester would return with merriment to his comfortable quarters.  The boy was there too.  But one day the good jester lost his touch, and he simply could not hear the laughter anymore.

            The jester was the only person who could dare get away with making fun of the king, and on this day he decided to joke about just that.  The young boy watched as the jester cracked about everything from war to his treatment of others to how the king simply dressed.  On any other day, this speech would be a riot.  But today it seemed all too condescending, and the jester was met with silence.  The king stopped the show; kindly hinting it was not the jester’s best performance.  The king knew he’d see better tomorrow.  And off went the jester.

            The jester was upset yet confident he would come back strong the next day.  Tomorrow I’ll sing, the jester thought.  Everyone always got a kick out of the jester’s singing voice.  And so with the young boy following close behind, the jester went into his number.  But today the jester just could not seem to hit the right notes, and once again was met with silence.  The king was not at all pleased.  But he was a tolerant king, and did not want to lose his cool in front of his guests.  He did not raise his voice, and the king kindly asked the jester to do better the next day.  And off went the jester.

            On the third day, the young boy watched the jester pack everything from apples to bowling pins.  On this day, the jester would juggle.  Everyone always loved when the jester would perform his grand juggling act, especially the king.  But today the pins would not fall the right way, landing not in his hands but upon the floor, and for the third straight day the jester was met with silence.  At this point, the king was furious.  The once tolerant king could bare it no longer.  He stood up, rousing the crowd, and shouted: “IF THIS HAPPENS AGAIN TOMORROW, YOU’LL BE A PEASANT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!”  And off went the jester.

            That night the jester was so heartbroken that he could not even prepare an act for the next day.  The young boy followed the jester to the dining hall and watched as the jester looked blank and confused.  Finally, the jester somberly spoke.  He spoke of just how it felt to be an unfunny jester.  He spoke of sadness and rain.  He spoke of coldness and pain.  He spoke of anguish and hardship and devastation and woe.  He spoke of what its like to simply not know.  He spoke of being unsure of what’s funny and what’s right.  He spoke of being too ashamed to fall asleep at night.  And just when the jester thought he could say no more.  The guests laughed and laughed until it hurt their core.  They laughed until their sides ached and their bellies screamed.  They laughed harder and harder than they could ever have dreamed.  The king was delighted at the sight of the scene, laughing so hard it even hurt his spleen!  A tormented jester was truly the funniest thing he ever had seen. 

But all rhyming aside, the now-jovial king bid the jester adieu.  And off went the jester.

            Having caused quite the stir, the jester returned once again to his quaint quarters, followed only by the uproarious howling of the crowd and, of course, the young boy.  The jester had maintained his job, the people were happy, and the jester was the center of attention once again.

            Yet, this time the jester did not return with his usual merriment; he had not shared in the laughter.  For the jester was a man of his craft, you see; he took great pride in his work.  And as he fell down into his seat, so did his tears, silhouetted by a lone candle.  The jester cried all the night through, and the jester never quite found the same laughter again.

            It was said that the sight of a crying jester was the saddest thing the young boy had ever seen.  The young boy had lost all hope in the jester, and with it had lost all hope in his own self.  The boy did not cry, but to this day has never laughed again. 

And off went the jester.

JF: What's Wrong with TSTLN Bloggers?

How about some professionalism guys?
I don't know how many times I've had to log on solely to edit the title line of a post because you knuckleheads keep goofin' it up. I know DK probably does a lot of the same.

The headlines on this particular obscure blog go like this
(First initial)(Second initial) (Colon) (Title)
Ergo...
JF: What's Wrong with TSLN Bloggers?

Also, in terms of standard journalisitic protocol,  you should probably be capitalizing all the major words in the title.

We look like g-d amateurs guys!
Tighten up!
Ship shape!
Darn tootin'!

TD: Vinyl

If Pat, Joey, and I have not already announced our "Hipsterdom" with our posts about the best and brightest from underground music or film through our very boastful opinions, than this post is the tipping point (for me atleast). No, but seriously: Vinyl is fantastic. A few weeks ago I ventured to a D.C. suburb with my fellow WLOY crew to collect over 1,500 records from a former NSA lingusist who raises cats--she had 27 felines. After spending nearly three hours sifting through the cat hair to collect Springsteen's "Born in the USA" and Frampton's "Peter Frampton Comes Alive!", the kind and quirky cat collecter offered me a shitty but free record player. 

Pat, Jordie, Jack, and I (aswell as several guests that frequent our Mt. Washington pad) have been enjoying the wonders of vinyl. From The Strokes "Is This It?" to The Beatles "Abbey Road" we've spent countless hours listening to the classics in our damp, candle lit basement. After being a vinyl enthusiast for only a few weeks, I can say with confidence that "the crackle" is all its crackled up to be (no pun intended hehe). If you like music, buy a record player. You seriously will not regret it.

I'm keeping it short.

goodbye.


TD