CW: Listen, I Just Don't Understand Domestic Animals

I don’t know when I came to this realization, but I do not understand domesticated animals. Dogs, cats, ferrets, birds, fish… I don’t care if it’s swimming, running, flying, I just do not understand the appeal of having an animal live in your home. Many people rag on me about my anti-pet mindset, which prompts many debates where I just cannot win and conclude with saying, “different strokes for different folks” but not this time avid Stair readers!


Today I took the advice of MM and instead of packing for college I watched “Marley and Me”. Why would a person like me watch such a movie? Because I WANT to understand pets, more specifically…dogs. People freaking LOVE dogs! WHY?? Last week I had my first experience babysitting a family who has a dog. As I walked in the dog and I just had a stare down; we both knew we were in for a challenging night. The kids and I were having a great time dancing to Michael Jackson in the basement until I went upstairs for some waters. Not much to my surprise that filthy dog peed on the floor. Taking the 6 years old’s advice I cleaned the pee up with Windex. Does Windex have some special dog repellent in it? Does it have a strong chemical that secretly does an exceptional job at killing dog pee germs? I asked myself these questions as I forwent the Lysol for Windex. Who am I to question the dog-loving 6 year old? Not knowing the excretion system of dogs I figured it needed to let some more waste out, so I released it outside. The children exclaimed the dog didn’t have its collar on so all three of us went running outside after the dog. The 8 year old finally caught it and put it on its leash (should I not be calling this dog an ‘it’?). We tie it up to the basketball net and continue to play nicely outside, enjoying our dear old time; talking about Shark Week and jumping over ropes. Again, not much to my surprise the dog is digging in the dirt, getting all dirty! That’s what dogs, by wild nature, are supposed to do. But this dog lives in a beautiful home on the mainline of Villanova. I’m sure mud and dirt and worms are unwanted on this family’s Ralph Lauren couches. I immediately take the dog inside to its cage, wag my finger at it and sternly say, “bad dog!” even though I don’t think it did anything wrong, it’s a dog, but don’t they need to be reprimanded in some way? Eventually the kids want the dog out of the cage so I let it out as we go upstairs. Mmm less than 10 minutes upstairs, the 8 year old tells me the dog is pooping…on the carpet. I just look at it, telling the kids I have no idea what to do, I don’t know what to do with dogs. Eventually I clean it up, put the dog in the cage, wag my finger and say, “bad dog!”

This suit would have been nice to have for the dog.

Now, I do not blame dogs. How are they to know any better? They are wild animals who belong in nature, free to sniff butts, poop anywhere, lick anything, run around and worry about knocking over laps or tearing up furniture. It’s what they do! I blame humans who try to tame animals for their own emotional benefit and hedonistic pleasure. I’m a psych major so you’d think I’d understand this cognitive/emotional attachment thing, right? Nope. But, I do know that many beliefs and thoughts stem from childhood. Growing up I had 4 older siblings, two little brothers and a fish. That’s all we could handle. Why have dogs when you have the love and attention from 6 siblings? It’s really annoying to me that I don’t understand dogs and the emotional “man’s best friend” connection. That’s why when I’m older I want a dog for my children so they don’t have to suffer through harangues from their friends about how pets love you no matter what, they don’t judge you, they’re so friendly and cute, they don’t care if you got a bad grade or a horrific haircut. Whatever. They don’t know because they’re animals!!

Someone must be trying to tell me something because in the last 2 weeks I’ve had more encounters with pets than I ever have. I went to my brother and sister-in-laws’ apartment where I tried to bond with their two cats. FAIL. I tried to cuddle them and pet them and hold them, reassuring them I wasn’t going to hurt them, but they didn’t believe me and ran away!! I’m trying here, cats! Give me a chance, listen to me, let me TRY to love you! Then I went to my boyfriend’s house where they have pee-pads set up near the door in case the dog isn’t let out in time. You’re just going to have a pee-soaked pad in your house? Even worse, he stepped on the pee-pad! I don’t want that in my home where I eat and sleep and lay and play. Let’s face it, animals are dirty and I don’t want some four-legged creature running around my home or a smelly fish tank or unsightly bird cage. Life is hard enough, people. Why burden yourself with a pet?

[SPOLIER ALERT!!] Honestly, at the end of “Marley and Me” I got a little sad when I saw the kids crying, not because the dog died, but because the kids were so upset! Poor kids, getting so emotionally involved and wrapped up in a dog…that doesn’t even speak! If that dog I was sitting said, “Hey, girl I really gotta go. Can you let me out so I don’t poop all over the place?” I would have responded, “Yeaaaah doggie, of course! Thanks for letting me know. When you do poop, could you pick it up? I have friends coming over for a BBQ.”

GET AT ME.

*Note* I understand that humans are also animals, but c'mon, there's no arguing we're way superior than most.