The Bobbysiad: Autolochus Begins The Story

As the fleeting twilight melded into the realm of Selene, the bacchanalian atmosphere faded to demure recollection.  The sound of laughter yielded to the strumming of lyres and enough yarns were spun to put Arachne to shame.  For one poet, however, only the greatest of tapestries would suffice.  “Hand me my lyre, boy, so that it may speak to those gathered here”.  As Proteus fetched the gilded lyre of Autolochus of Elea, he tittered with anticipation.  Autolochus, though blind to the world of men, could see a story through to its end with the skill of Apollo and the grace of Hermes.  Taking his lyre from the boy, Autolochus began strumming.  A translucent aura emanated from the instrument binding listener to story, as Prometheus to mountainside.  Autolochus began, “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.  Best in that heroes still walked the earth, the opportunity for valor still lying beyond the next hill.  Worst too, in that there was a dire need for these heroes.  For the world was a more dangerous place than we can now imagine.  Monsters and creatures abounded, the likes of which I have never seen.”  The crowd sighed, as Autolochus enjoyed drawing attention to his lack of sight at the expense of his audiences’ comfort.  “I tell you not of Hercules, of Bellerophon, nor of Theseus, nor Achilles, nay, I tell of a man greater than them all.”  The crowd was on edge, knowing exactly of whom Autolochus spake.  “I tell you of BOBBYSEUS!  son of ZEUS! first among both gods and mortals!  And where better to begin….than the Beginning,”.    

Soi Dog of the Week #2--Table Dog

Soi Dog of the Week & his Table

SM - Stair Master

Hello everyone,

I am the stair master.  Not to be confused with the stair master, bun improving workout machine.  Recently, TSTLN has been rather neglected.  However, upon attempting to log back in, the blogging Gods questioned even MY identity, and sought credentials demonstrating my right-to-climb the stairs.  I was confronted by several strict security questions--one of three options was to be chosen.

1) What is your E-mail?  Hint: D**********2
2) What is your phone number? Hint: 5********7
3) Can you answer this security question?

I took a gamble on number the third.

Question: Do you want to eat cookies?
Answer: ...[pause, soul search]........Yes

Welcome back, The Stairs that Lead Nowhere!


Such security measures are to be envied!  In fact, I believe that this can best be likened to the advent of the Harry Potter series.  A video is worth several million words, so see for yourself.

Sorcerer's Stone Ending


All the Best,
SM

CW: The Mexican Umbrella

This summer, as I wait to start my adventure in NYC as a volunteer counselor, I am cleaning out my closet that has not been touched in 4 years (as well as working in a chair factory - possible future post; "The American Dream: An Account of a Real-Life Rosie the Riveter). Not to my surprise, I have been welcomed with many memories: pictures from 3rd grade, old love letters, empty handles of Vladimir vodka, and a folder full of poems and stories I had written in grade school. 

My dear friends, I am sure I have told you about the legend (wait for it....) ary poem I wrote in 8th grade where my teacher commented, "Awesome, Just Awesome!!" and where my Mom-Mom, to this day, insists I get it published.  Well, I have found that poem. So I present to you without further ado...

"The Mexican Umbrella"

Mexico is not a good place to be an umbrella.

This is the reason why I’m such an unlucky fella.

So, let me tell you my hunky-dory story,

I hope it’s self-explanatory.

Mexico’s weather is hot like a fire.

There’s never any rain, which struck my desire,

To be more beneficial at another place,

So I no longer may feel like a disgrace.

Don’t tell anyone, but yes I admit,

That I was green with envy toward that nitwit.

Oh yes, that coat was always allowed to go outside,

While I was left tattered and teary-eyed.

Going outside only when it rains,

Can make an umbrella start to complain.

This is why I was extremely resolute

To get out of this place, even by parachute!

The suddenly came the moment I had always hoped for.

My life would no more be a bore.

My owner told me, “It’s time for you to be boxed!”

Pound! Before I knew it I was deadlocked.

She then drove dreadfully for what seemed like a year.

Abruptly, the brakes went slam! Like the brakes of a train engineer.

The words Salvation Army are what I first saw,

And I was so excited like a child in awe.

Days went by as I just lay on the table.

I was beginning to think that I was mislabeled.

Nobody even gave me a second glance.

The opportunity that I may be bought was a fat chance.

Unexpectedly, a handsome young man picked me up.

I was so nervous, for this was my first close up.

But, the man was so friendly and benign.

He then walked me over to the check out line.

It has been several months since that great match,

And we have forever been attached.

I am always being used outside,

Together, we travel far and wide.

“Umbrella, you’re the greatest object that I have ever had!”

I reply telling him, “Oh no, I’m just a fad.”

Every day we get along so well, like a snake and its rattle.

This relationship is balanced well in since it rain all the time in Seattle!

©2003

Two days after I found this simple 10 stanza poem, I found my final 32 page paper I wrote last semester for my psychology capstone class.  Oh, education...

P.S. I also found a short story I wrote in the midst of the 2002 Salt Lake City Winter Olympics titled, "Go For It!" a tale of how my sister and I drop out of school to become bobsled olympians.  If my life had gone according to plan, I would have won an olympic gold medal in 2010 and be engaged to speedskater, Apolo Ohno. 

JG: Islanders.

Please help.

The NY Islanders are not getting their new arena.  Sure, they suck, and sure, who cares about hockey, but I have the foresight to see what’s actually happening here, and it could prove devastating to the 118-mile we stretch we lovably call Long Island.

As well documented on GetOffOurIsland.com, the rampant expansion of Jersey-Shore-type-folk (colloquially guidos) is undeniable, taking a virtual stranglehold over Nassau County and slowly permeating into Suffolk, as they inevitably passed by a few bars they realized they needed to ruin as they headed east to the Hamptons for a few ‘Guns Out’ weekends.

How The Guido Stole Christmas

As the end of the world steadily approaches & an angry God keeps sending erratic weather patterns, erosion is a huge problem for Lady Long Island.  With this, the width of the isle is decreasing, thus people must jockey for positioning & power, and with the size of the guido population rising, it’s turning into some kind of fucked-up, fist-pumping version of Lord of the Flies.  And they’re not having trouble seizing power either, considering the only people left in Nassau are guidos, old & cranky folk, and the Koster family.

What I’m getting at here is this: the Islanders at Nassau Coliseum represented a mecca where thousands of regular white guys who like to get drunk & yell things at other white guys could congregate together.  Though all we are technically losing is one shitty hockey team, it meant so much more to so many, and is a huge blow in the efforts to prevent our Island’s social makeup from consisting solely of blowouts, in-your-face-go-fuck-yourself attitudes, zero respect for elders (or children), no bar manners, energy drink consumers, and whatever the opposite of chivalry is. (Seen below: The craze corrupting our youth... whatever happened to Pokemon cards?)

Bottom line is: I want to walk into a pizza place and see a cute, chubby little Italian man tossing rounded dough into the air and talking like he’s Super Mario.  I do not want to walk in and hear some tan, sleeve-less, hollow, no-condom-wearing twentysomething start loud conversations with phrases such as, “Yo, I was talking to this one bitch last night…” and telling 17-year-old patrons, “Yo, baby, you should come out with me sometime, if you come out with me – we get crazy.”

So I’m not sure what exactly this is: It is, of course, meant to spread awareness, as well as a call to arms (and creativity) to help buck this trend.  Perhaps, if the Islanders can stay close by, it can be one small step back in the right direction.

CR: Blovel

Be warned that this blog is literally littered with tons of bullspit. Take (I highly advise against) or leave what you will of this purely silly work of brilliance.  Think cute puppies from the pound and black bottom (or red velvet) cupcakes while reading this. You’ll get it.  This is my Blovel (Blog/Novel).  Oh yeah I’m a business major, so writing is non-of-my-business. Jajajaja Please excuse minute and inconsequential spelling/grammatical errors.   : p

 Chapter Neung- Baltimore to Bangkok 101

It’s been awhile blogosphere.  I’m sorry for my abrupt exit from your thoroughly informative WebPages.  But to be blunt; Blogging Sux!!! It’s just not cool anymore.  In the past years, blogging has hit an all time high.  Everyone is blogging.  Therefore if everyone is doing it, I don’t want to do it.  Therefore I have found a new means for my socially needy self.  I’ve been hitting the public libraries and hanging out with the seedy characters that tend to occupy them.  I recall not too long ago browsing the vast corridors of the Baltimore City Enoch Pratt Central library.  If you have not been to this library, you must.  It’s an architectural jem!  There are librarians and intricate murals sprawled out on the ceilings and plenty of secret places to take naps.  Moreover, there are books on colonial economics, vintage Frommer’s: Southern Sudan guide books, and every Britannica encyclopedia to date!!!  But let’s not get caught up on those trivial things.  Those are for those with a smaller appetite for relevant knowledge.  But back to my nostalgia.  In my youth, I would share my time and space with the homeless population that enjoyed hanging out at the libraries during the day.  You might say, “Homeless people and libraries, how silly Winston?”  I would say, “Yes, yes how truly appalling my dear Elizabeth.” This was my exact subconscious exchange the first time I entered this library.  But time did tell the truth about this rather peculiar partnership.  I finally realized that I had found my new means of social interaction that was neither popular, clean, or demanded I needed a job.  I had discovered the most hipster of hipsters; a subculture that defied society.  But something was different with these knowledge thirsty urbanites.  Their subtly was amazingly refreshing.  They knew how to detach themselves from the technological constraints (blogs…man, forget blogs, man) that have started to hinder human interaction.   It was so refreshing to see their youthful spirit.  Seeing one of my new friends, “Wild” Kevin napping on a pile of Bernstein Bears, reminded me of a young teen catching some zzzzz’s on his “Compiled Works of John Donne”.  Dude, the similarities were astounding!!!  So independent!!!! I envied my new friends and their lifestyle.

Chapter Soi 2. -  Enoch Frattttttttttt

            The philanthropist Enoch Pratt was a prime example of the success that an industrious American can have.  A true “Rags to Riches” story.  Perhaps “Hags (Haggar khakis) to Fitches (Abercrombie?)” for those middle class bros, or a more Baltimorean influence, “(Body) Bags for Snitches”.

  This is the life that American’s should aspire to.  Working hard in order to change your fortunes and consequently allowing you to do whatever you want (Amurica!!!).  In the end, Sir Enoch did what any good human being would have done.  He gave back all that he had rightly worked earned.  He established the free library system that still exists in Baltimore City.  His legacy is never-ceasing due to this.  But this is getting boring so let’s get to the point. Dr. Pratt’s established the libraries so that it, “shall be for all, rich and poor without distinction of race or color who, when properly accredited, can take out the books if they will handle them carefully and return them."  Yeah this is straight from the Britannica Encyclopedia’s Volume 14 not some super convenient accumulation of knowledge on the internet.  I would like you to take note of the last part on handling them carefully and returning them.  This will be important for my point later.

 Chapter Katoey 3-  AAA

So the last two chapters of my Blovel have been complete filler because I didn’t know what to talk about till now.  An old friend of mine, who suffered from a mild case of schizophrenia and tended to chill in the American USA history section at the Enoch Pratt library, once warned me she didn’t think that the US economy could sustain so much debt.  She told me those “Bitches better start paying those China men theirs monies or else theys gonna get theirs shits pushed in.  Then the Man gonna come and take yo cardboard box, yo cart, and your life-time savings of soda pop cans.”  As usual I laughed off old Ms. Phyllis’s comment about the US economy.

“Ha, I thought.  I’ve taken an introduction to macroeconomics course (at College ha-ha C-o-llege).  What do you know?”  During my zone out, Ms. Phyllis started a debate amongst herself about the sustainability of US debt.  It was quite interesting hearing both of her outlandish opinions.  Spending cuts or tax hikes???  Being the super duper independent I just didn’t care. “Whatever, Phyllis you are both wrong.” I said.  “America is like totally fine, they just need some more outstanding America indie/folk bands.  We keep importing these fantastic musical products from across the pond, but we only export our junk bands (pun of bonds) like Bon Jovi and Flo Rida.”  At this point Phyllis, has started talking about the world been getting hot.  “Oh Phyllis.”

Chapter Cuatro

Once again I hoodwinked you readers.  This blovel is a complete waste of time.  You are better off Google searching pictures of Kate Upton or “Are animals ticklish?” But in all seriousness, the current state of the world has reminded me of a few of things that had perked my interest a few years ago.   Not to be pretentious or anything, but for those who do not know the world economy is not doing so well.  More importantly the US’s credit rating has been downgraded to a measly AA+ rating.  There is a terribly devastating drought and therefore famine in Eastern Africa.  And Adele says she is going “country” for her third album (her career is over).  All this news is truly depressing but nothing’s new.  The US economy will be fine.  Adele will be fine; she’ll get some good advice from a particular hipster somewhere in Texas.

  Homeless man or Taylor DeBoer??? Both!!!!

 Yep all is well, except, one thing.  The Famine. WTF?? A famine…that shit happened in the Bible.  Famines are one of those things that should have been eradicated like smallpox.  I’m no self-proclaimed expert on famine or the reasons for famines, but famines, what, famines!?!?  We live in the 21^st century; our technology and advances in agricultural science, logistics, and distribution should make famines nearly impossible.  I understand that there are numerous factors such as the drought (creating a shortage in food), political instability, and poverty.  Ideally, there are plenty of resources in the world for enough to go around (numerous times).  It’s quite frustrating witnessing such sad events especially when they should never had occurred.  Food and water are the absolute most basic physical human needs.  It’s shameful that there are people that must deal with such unthinkable hardships. 

So the combination of the economic and social adversities, reminded me of a book that I read not too long ago.  The book that I read was called “Dead Aid” by Dambisa Moyo.  Moyo is an Oxford and Harvard educated economist and author.  In this book, she comments on the affects of Western aid in Africa.  Her main argument is that the Aid is crippling to the progress of many of the African nations.  This is a very very simple summary of the situation that is occurring in Africa currently.  Moyo says that the Aid has been a crutch for the fragile economies leading to their dependence on the Aid.  Therefore there is a viscous cycle of dependence and reliance for sustainability.

 An example to better illustrate what is happening is, imagine that you have a brother that you love so very much.  But your brother loves to hang out with “the wrong” crowd (those closet-freaks known as librarians) at the local library.  So you represent the Western nations that provide aid to the African countries, your brother represents the people of the African nations, and the Librarians represent the governments of African nations.  So you love your brother a lot so you give him a nickel to run down to the local pharmacy for a Coca-cola fizz.  Filled with joy, he sprints out of the front door and down Mulberry Lane to Mr. Wilkin’s General Store.  Little Roosevelt (your brother’s name…you should have known this since he’s your brother) is running like the wind.  Eyes wide with the prospect of a fizzy threat, he hastens his pace.  But wait, he’s an awkward kid and his brain is moving faster than his feet.  Bam-Kaboom- crash!!! Roosevelt falls…into a group of kids that were up to no good in the neighborhood.  “ Shitttt the Librarians,” Roosevelt thinks.

Blah blah blah.  Roosevelt starts to hang out with the Librarians.  The attractive yet intelligent Librarians convince Roosevelt that he shouldn’t spend his nickel on his soda pop but on their needs (books on Kama sutra, Ticonderoga pencils, and drive-thru movies).  So your brother really loves soda fizz (food, water, shelter); he needs it.  But then there are the Librarians (government) that take that money which is for your brother (the people) and use it for what they want (guns, cocaine, sunglasses, Super bowl tshirts).  So this continues, until You (westerns) stop giving the money.  Then the Librarians (who are hypothetically unemployed/lazy) will stop wasting Roosevelt’s (the peoples) soda pop (food, water) money.  Ok, hopefully Roosevelt’s story helped to give you some clarity on this issue. 

So moving on, this book (“Dead Aid”) was very interesting, and there were some very interesting economic and social comments.  The basic logic of this social and economic injustice is sound.  But a combination of the current global atmosphere and my experience with this book, reminded me of a certain company that tries to encourage economic development and therefore social advancements.  The company is called Kiva (I’m sure you have heard of it).  Kiva is a micro financing company that helps to connect lenders with borrowers in second and third world countries.  Micro financing is when a lender gives a small loan ($25-$500) to a borrower who usually would not have the access to financing options (banks, clearinghouses, etc.).  In some countries, there is not an established or a poorly implemented economic layout.  This lack of financing options might hinder growth because the people are unable to afford running their businesses.  Therefore Kiva and other micro financing companies fill this role.  They allow normal people such as us to lend money to people that need it. 

This is different from Aid because it empowers the people to work hard and it also gives them the resources to develop their businesses and therefore change their lives for the better.  As in any economic discussion, there is a side that disagrees in any positive results from micro financing activities.  But my argument is that it is a lot more productive and intimate means of helping other people like us around the world.  If you would like to discuss this further with me, let me know so that I can say, “Go forget yourself.”  But then I’d be like ok, meet me at the Enoch Pratt library on the third floor. 

Chapter 5

So I’ve said a lot of nothing so far.  This blovel has tried to encompass a very broad range of topics.  Through this all this ballyhoo there is a true sincerity of the issues.  Kiva is a great company that is trying to address a hugely deprived sect of people.  Just thinking hypothetically, just think about how much disposable income we have.  Instead of getting five pad thais to challenge yourself or buying an entire Thai soccer uniform for novelty, you could help financing a Peruvian’s llama hat making business or a young woman’s newspaper company.

At the least, your actions would be noble.  Even if the entrepreneurs are unable to payback their small loans, it is a small risk for us; those that live in somewhat luxury, and not famine.  I know you all as great people that are very selfless.  That’s why I appreciate you as a blogspherical family.  I urge you to just browse the website or research micro-financing yourself.  If you want to try out micro financing with absolutely no risk, follow this link, nigerianmailingscam@snailmail.aol  or if you don’t trust that one use this one( the legit on)  http://kiva.org/invitedby/christopher6525

This Blovel is not in anyway “hating” on the hardships of the homeless.  I am honestly concerned about their well-being.  Also hipsters are cool, but don’t let this comment make you reconsider cool.  Never ever consider anything as truth without double checking.  A pinch of doubt helps everything go down well.  Libraries are breeding grounds for knowledge.  I also drastically generalized about African nations for the sake of Roosevelt’s tale. 

God Bless You Roosevelt!!! R.I.P. and that’s why you don’t fool with Librarians.