CR & MM: Introducing: The Spring Olympics

On February 12, 2010, the Winter Olympics will kick off in Vancouver, featuring competitions between countries in celebrated sports such as ice skating, speed skating, skiing, bobsledding, ice hockey, and many other sports of the snowy, icy variety. In two years, the Summer Olympics will take place in London featuring gymnastics, basketball, sailing, track, and other sports that aren’t snowy or icy.

The approaching Winter Games got two TSTLN bloggers thinking: why don’t the excellent seasons of spring and autumn have their own Olympics? They are certainly worthy – who doesn’t love sitting outside on a nice sunny day in May, sipping on lemonade as butterflies fly past? And the sweet sights and smells of November as the colorful leaves coat the ground and mothers bake cookies and pumpkin pies are certainly enjoyable. In fact, what’s so great about the freezing temperatures of winter or the sticky, sunburn-prone atmosphere of summer?

In response to this blatant disrespect for spring and autumn, Chris Robinson and Meag McKeron have put together a Spring Olympics. Autumn Olympics are in the works, but until then the Spring Games will carry the torch for both of the seasons. There are four categories of events: Discontinued Sports, Old School Sports, Weird Sports, and Original Sports (a trio of events thought up by CR and MM themselves).

Discontinued Sports

These Spring Olympics will be the stage for the return of events past generations saw as an unqualified means of competition. This will be a renaissance of early 20th century sporting, and it will create a new appreciation for those ghosts of games past (now present). Now without further ado, we present three previously discontinued sports that will make their re-debut in the First Spring Olympics.

Tug-of-war (Last Seen in 1920): Two teams of eight try to pull a rope six feet; if neither team reaches the mark after five minutes, the team that pulled the farthest won. This is the ultimate test of team strength. During a tug-of-war match, the masculinity of a Nation lies on the brawn of eight of their countrymen. The roaring 20s were not a favorable time for the Americans in this event. The Germans and Eastern European countries (Poland, Russia, etc.) cleaned up on the medals in the early 1900s. When the great Depression hit the world economy in the 30s, rope production was nearly nonexistent making this event unsustainable until now.

Motor boating (1908): Three categories of races in boats; IOC later decided against allowing anything with a motor. Four years later motorboating was left out of the 1912 Olympics because all boating activities became a sensitive subject after the tragic sinking of the Titanic. Forgotten by tragedy, this event will make a comeback but in a different culture with numerous definitions of motorboating. America, particularly from the nook known as Silicone Valley, is projected to lead the USA to a gold in a rediscovered art.

Pigeon shooting (1900): Held only once in 1900. It was the only event in which animals were intentionally killed. Pigeons have pissed us off enough that we don’t mind killing them; PAPA(People Against Pigeon Atrocities) has given its support in bringing back this event.

A spokesman of PAPA, Papa Jerry, said in an interview, “Those fighting sumofbitches are gettings too arrogant, they walks in my way when I’m trying to go to the CVS…it needs to end now.”

This event is seen as killing two birds with one stone; enjoying the recreation of killing helpless animals and also eliminating a practically pointless population of pest. The Japanese are surprisingly favored in this event, with their sure shot in Ash Ketchum (former owner of numerous Franchise chains of Pidgey Slaughterhouses). Once a lover of these insignificant birds, he now has decided to use them as a scapegoat for his loss in the World Championship to the Frenchman Gary.

The results from 1900 of this highly popular massacre of pigeons are as follows:
Leon de Lunden (Belgium) 21 birds killed
Maurice Faure (France) 20 birds killed
Donald MacIntosh (Australia) 18 birds killed
*Sir Vickerson (USA) 3,258 birds killed-originally given gold but later stripped of his medal because PETA found that he was illegally racing greyhounds at his estate.

Old School Sports

Four square, capture the flag, tag, kickball, hide and seek. Who can recall actually learning how to play any of these games? These games are programmed into our genome. Some people are slightly more gifted, but all are knowledgeable of the rules when they are thrown into the belly of the beast known as first grade recess. We are taught early in life to succeed in these sports or suffer ridicule, years of sitting at the loser table, a poor sense of self, and family shame. The courts at recess are where you defended your family’s honor. Now these same kids will defend your Nation’s honor in the games of our childhood. Old school games are notorious for getting out of hand because of the lack of officiating. In the spirit of the games there will continue to be no officials.

Four square: Agility, creativity, endurance, and stubbornness are the main skills that allow one to succeed in this arena of champions. It’s widely known that the best athletes tend not to be the victors but those stubborn enough not to leave when called out. Those who are able to convince others to a “redo” tend to achieve greatness for their Countries. The Soviet Union was furious back in 1978 when they suffered defeat to the Australians on the “Phantom line” call.

An account from Alexander Molatav( Soviet Union King square man):
“We have failed our motherland. I have brought great shame to our people; to my ancestors and their ancestors. I cannot sleep with this burden of defeat on my chest. Those Kangaroo-loving brothers have torn our country apart. One day the motherland will regain her former glory. I am too ashamed to walk the streets of St. Petersburg. Riots and talks of revolution have spurred from this defeat.”

This should be enough to rally national sentiments for all. Play ball.

Hide and Seek: Japan will win this hands down. They have ninjas!!! But legend of a Balloon Boy has risen in the U.S. Mountain west.

Kickball: A staple in recreational history. All that is needed is a rubber ball, a dirt field, and bases. A poor man’s sport played in the slums and vacant lots of urban jungles. Brazil had been the powerhouse of this sport until they became too complacent trying to play “Kickball Bonita.” Japan is considered a mainstay in the sport with their disciplined approach. The US lobbied hard to get this sport into the Spring Olympics…their strategy; “to Kick the shit out of that ball – get some,” as quoted by General Manager Adam Vinateri.


Weird Sports

Every once in a while, a sport comes along that is unlike any other. The Winter and Summer Olympics frown upon these sports, considering them too strange and uncivilized to be included in their Games. The Spring Olympics, on the other hand, appreciates the individuality and uniqueness that these sports promote, so it has included them in the event lineup.


Quidditch: This sport is well known across the world because of some lady named J.K. Rowling who wrote some book called Harry Potter. The Brits are favored to win because Harry Potter technically belongs to them and therefore Quidditch abilities come more naturally, but every country has put together a pretty strong team so it’s really a toss up. Some of the rules have been changed to accommodate Muggles and their inability to fly on broomsticks or enchant balls to fly or attack people, but the same general concept remains: catch the Golden Snitch to end the game, and whoever has the most points wins.

The game takes place on a field the size of a soccer field, with three 10-foot high hoops. Three Chasers run around trying to throw a volleyball through hoops at the opposite end of the pitch. Each goal earns 10 points for the team. Two Beaters run around with a supply of golf balls and peg them at opponents. Any part of the body is fair game. A Keeper guards the hoops, and a Seeker runs around the pitch looking for a golden marble nestled somewhere in the grass. Once the golden marble is found, the Seeker must run and deposit it in a circle drawn in the center of the pitch to receive 150 points for his team, which usually is enough to secure a victory unless a Keeper really sucks. Tackling, punching, tickling, spitting, and tripping of any kind is allowed.

Shin Kicking: Have you ever been so mad at someone that you literally wanted to kick them in the shins? Well there is a sport out there for you where you can release this anger effectively and not get arrested for assault. Shin kicking started in England in the 1600s and is still played to this day, though campaigns to have it included in the Olympics have been continuously ignored (until now!). Its title says it all: two competitors face each other, holding onto the opponent’s shoulders, and when the whistle blows they wreak havoc on their opponent’s shins. Kicks above the knee are strictly forbidden – this is shin kicking, not knee-cap shattering, let’s not get carried away. Once a competitor has weakened their opponent’s shins enough to push them to the ground, they have won the first round. Best out of three wins. The only protection allowed is hay stuffed into the legs of the pants.

While this sport also originated in England, the advantage goes to the Chinese competitors, who consider getting kicked in the shins nothing compared to what their government would do to them for bringing dishonor upon their country after losing.

Competitive Eating: How this sport has been ignored by the Summer and Winter Olympic committees for so long is beyond us. It requires concentration, speed, agility, and most importantly, self control (vomiting means disqualification). After months of discussion over what food to use for the event, hotdogs narrowly beat out hot wings. Due to the dangerous nature of hot dogs (choking is one of the leading causes of death for children, and hotdogs are the number one culprit), no one under the age of 21 will be allowed to compete for their country. Whoever consumes the most hotdogs in the allotted time wins. The US has this one in their pocket, considering it holds the title as the fattest country in the world, though all of the Asian countries are sure to put up a fight due to their weapon of fast metabolisms hidden within their small frames.

Original Sports

The following three events were added solely to put the Spring Olympics a step above the rest by demanding extreme physical ability, courage, intelligence, and perseverance. Compete at your own risk.

Badass Mother-Loving Obstacle Course: Some participating countries have called for a ban of this infamous event. Others have decided to not to participate thereby receiving scorn and ridicule from the powerhouse countries such as Timor-Leste, Seychelles, Nicaragua, Mauritania, USA (obviously), and the small but mighty city-state known as the Vatican City. It was rumored that WWII started because the Polish were calling the Germans “soft” and “sissy-girls”. Furthermore, The Spanish Conquistadors witnessed the Mayans engaging in this ritualistic sport in the 17th century. Cortez noted in his diary that the natives called the lethal sport, “el curso de muerte y tiburones” (it was unknown why they spoke Spanish already).

All in all, this sport has taken hundreds if not thousands of lives, and those men (women were banned until recently because there was a high correlation between infertility and falling boulders) died with great honor. Their blood and dedication immortalized in the spirit of the event.

This sport is in all purposes a big obstacle course race. Only two gold medals have been awarded- one to a young Belgian named Jean Claude van Damme, and the other to the “The Hero of the Vatican” Pope Pius VIII in 1829. Drenched in history, mystique, blood, and eternal glory- The BML Obstacle course beckons only the worthy. Who will answer the call…and not allow it to go to voicemail (real cool)?

(click for larger image of Badass Mother-Loving Obstacle Course)

First leg: Swim/float 1 nautical mile while trying to avoid baby freshwater nurse sharks ( some with laser beams on their heads).
Second leg: A brutal 26.3 mile run on hot coals. This is where the indigenous Big-Ass angry elephant is introduced. This leg is informally known as “Lucifer’s footrace.”
Third Leg: Enter “900 neck of the Woods” woods- a treacherous and dense woods with many barriers, such as the flying squirrels from hell and an occasional stampede of global warming protesters. Both are sure to occur. The only good part of this leg is the elephant tends to tire by now.
Final leg: The ascent to the peak of Mt. Doom (El Montana del Doomo). This mountain might not seem daunting at a height of 2,012 meters, but there seems to be an unlimited amount of boulders that continually are falling from its merciless flanks. This final leg has been celebrated in song/literature for hundreds of years; more recently in Miley Cyrus’s “The Climb” (2008).


Monopolyathon: This event is the classic game of Monopoly with a twist. This high-stakes game requires both economic prowess and physical excellence from its competitors. The rules are as follows:
1. The goal of the game is still the same: create an empire that eventually pushes everyone into bankruptcy. The path to creating that monopoly is where things change.

2. Forget Chance and Community Chest cards, those are too ordinary for Monopolyathon.

Chance cards have been replaced with Physical Challenge cards. All competitors will be required to compete in various challenges, and the winner gets to choose a property of their choice or can receive $200 dollars from the bank.

Examples of some challenges:
**Arm Wrestling: Wrestle with your arms. The competitor who picked the card chooses their opponent. Elbows must be on table and the arm not in use must be behind the back. First person to push the other person’s arm flat on the table wins.
**Breath Holding: The competitor who holds their breath the longest wins.
**Chair Balancing: All competitors must lean back on their chairs so that only the back two legs are on the ground. Whoever balances on their chair in this manner for the longest wins.

Community Chest cards are now Penalty Cards, which are more for deterring one person from succeeding in the game. Sometimes the competitor who chooses the card has to accept a penalty, or the card might allow him to choose another competitor to take the penalty. If the penalized competitor cannot finish the penalty, he must pay a fine of $500 and go directly to jail.

Examples:
**Running in Place: Competitor must run in place until he completes one trip around the board.
**Weight Holding: Competitor must hold 25 pounds of weight in whatever fashion he deems the most effective for one trip around the board.
**Invisible Chair: Competitor must bend his knees as though he is sitting on a chair, but the chair will be removed from the game until the competitor has completed one trip around the board.

3. In Monopolyathon, going to jail has much more extreme consequences than in ordinary Monopoly. The competitor is blindfolded so he cannot see what is going on in the rest of the game. He also must do pushups or sit ups, whichever he prefers, until it is his turn. Once it is his turn he can take the blindfold off and cease exercising, but if he remains in jail after his turn is complete he must put it back on and continue the pushups/sit ups.

4. The rest of the game goes by the same rules. Winner is the first person to aquire all the properties or the last one standing after everyone has gone bankrupt or passed out from physical exhaustion.

Wingman: Ever since the days of the ancient Greeks, consumption of fine wine was deep-rooted in the games of the Olympiad. Contestants were known to drink all forms of alcohol to boost their electrolytes so as to perform at a higher level. Tales have been passed down. Dionysus, Greek god of wine and lewd behavior, favored contestants who competed under the influence. Hercules was black out drunk when he defeated Cerebrus in Greco-Roman wrestling back in 455 B.C.

In a more liberal culture, the drinking has been re-incorporated into the games. This event is called Wingman. This is a two man challenge. This game will test one’s tolerance, dedication, consciousness, and teamwork. It begins with one team member drinking themselves into a stupor. Next, the other team member (drunk or not depending on one’s preferences), guides his mate through three challenges- all the while hoping the inebriated one doesn’t hurl, therefore eliminating them from the competition.

First challenge: Help your mate to the dance floor where he must sustain a dance with a female for five consecutive minutes.
Second challenge: One will assist the blackout one in maintaining a ten minute conversation with a group of skimpily-clad females.
Final challenge: Ex-boyfriend and crew enter the room; that is when both team members must escape with two females (one must not be too attractive in the spirit of the event-this is at the discretion of the highly intoxicated member) before being caught.

A timeless experience made into the sport that it fundamentally mirrors. The Americans have two strong teams going into this event; first is the irresistibly talented team of Daniel “ the Dazzling” Koster and Joey “ Gentle Eyes” Giusto. They are a sure medal contenders; both contain a connection to romantics that has not been seen since the days of Nebuchadnezzar. Next, the dynamic duo of Lewis and Clark has already wooed the moccasins off the ageless beauty Sacagawea. The sky is the limit for these American favorites. Good luck and good night my friends!


The Spring Olympics will hopefully take place sometime in the next five years or so, though gathering enough able competitors for the Badass Mother-Loving Obstacle course is proving to take more time than expected. But hold on tight, because in due time, the Spring Games will be bringing you more action, suspense, and heart-pounding excitement than the Winter and Summer Olympics ever could.