JG: "F Curse" james Cameron

Folks, I really, really did try hard not to blog about this. I tried, I failed – such is life I guess. Someone once told me (after yet another crushing life defeat) ‘you win some, you lose some’. I was succeeding at first, but then I chanced upon this gem of an article (http://movies.yahoo.com/feature/hmg-avatar-hidden-messages.html) from the groundbreaking writers at Yahoo. The piece, yclept Does ‘Avatar’ Contain Hidden Messages?, is so brazen in its uncertainty it scares me.

For those unfamiliar with the plot, here’s a layman’s breakdown: the blue people have a natural resource the earthlings want. The earthlings use avatars to move in and exploit them to obtain this resource irregardless of the death and displacement that can ensue. (The crack team at Yahoo has dug deep into this plotline, as well as taken quotes about its messages directly from writer/director Cameron and a slew of top critics, to boldly proclaim that this film might have anti-war and pro-environmental undertones.) One avatar then proceeds to fall in love with a blue person and joins their fight.

What really irks me is the lack of subtlety. Aside from it being two hours too long, the horrendous acting (tragically even from the great Giovanni Rabisi), the incredibly typical villain that actually kicks down a pressurized, reinforced steel door, and arguably the worst use of voiceover I’ve seen displayed on the silver screen, you’re left with a barely-cryptic allegory that lends no new angle on the situation. Please in no way think I’m against the message – in fact, I quite like the environment and I’ve never enjoyed war that much either. It’s just that I feel I’ve been offered nothing new, and there’s nothing I hate more than being given a two and a half hour lecture on something I already understand; Corporations are ruthless and greedy, blood for oil is wrong – I get it. If I really wanted to watch a movie about a man realizing his greed and changing his ways, I would just make some hot chocolate and put on my Muppets Christmas Carol DVD (again).

Now I fully understand that a great deal of people loved this movie, and I truly hope the fascination is purely aesthetic. The special effects were obviously very well done, and I’ve been told that seeing it in 3D on shrooms was quite the mind-blowing experience. Now if you’re an aficionado of special effects and/or psychedelics, this is the movie for you. By all means please go and enjoy the shit out of this movie. I’m just trying to look at it from a ground level here, and outside of some pleasing visuals, I found nothing of merit in this film. Had there been no build up, I really wouldn’t have been upset. But when Cameron himself promises me that this will be “something that grabbed us by the lapels and dragged us out the door and took us on a journey of surprise,” coupled with the fact that the Yahoo staff is extraordinarily vapid, it really starts to bother me, and as rumors of a sequel swirl, I can only plead with Cameron to stop. He’s made his money, he’s made his point (that even a 6 year old could detect), and if we do it all over again with another planet my head might just explode.

I am officially boycotting this film along with any movie involving the word Twilight. But I’ve had enough of this anger, I feel like Pat Taylor must feel if he had to write 500 words on the REMARKABLY INNOVATIVE, EXTRAORDINARILY TALENTED & ALWAYS TIMELESS Billy Joel.

FINAL VERDICT: 0.3/10

**If you feel like you must see a movie this break, do yourself a favor and either (1) go see Fantastic Mr. Fox, (2) rent Up or (500) Days of Summer, or, (3) *only if you're really sick in the head*, Netflix the movie Oldboy, the greatest revenge/Korean film ever made.

Happy Festivus,

Joseph.