PT: Pat is disgruntled with statuses

The Detailer

Nobody gives a shit about the mundane goings-on throughout your day. Don’t put them in your status. “Jenn is going to work from 8-3 then back home 4 a kwik shower before heading out to Lancaster to see me family for dinner. Girlzzzz night tonight!!!!! JD, CS, KE, LF and MB. All this after waking up at 7 a.m. with a massive hangover from too many shotz. FML”

Yeah?

Nobody cares you douchebag. First and foremost, the people that would care most likely already know what the fuck you’re doing. And by people that care I mean your boss at work who knows that you’re scheduled from 8-3, your family that you’re visiting and the girlzzzz. Nobody else needs to know or wants to know about the trivial nonsense that happens throughout the course of your day.

The Emo-Tell-All

If you couldn’t tell, I love ranting. But when I have a problem with a specific person, do you know what I do? Fucking talk to them. Call them, meet up with them, whatever. Putting your problems with somebody in a Facebook status is not only a cheap shot, but it’s juvenile as hell and nobody really cares. “Kyle says fuck you guys, you were supposed to be my friends. But I guess that whore knows you better than your best friend growing up. I’m done with this shit.”

Way to go Kyle. Not only do you look like a whiny, thirteen-year-old girl, but you’ve just put out to the public that you have no friends anymore. Instead of making your friends look like dicks, you just look like an impotent asshole with problems confronting people to their face and solving issues in a reasonable manner.

The Lover

We’ve all seen this. Whether we’ve been this person, know this person or dated this person, there are always the groups of people who put too much love into Facebook. “Chelsea says Happy 3 and a half months Tommy!!!!! I love you more than you can know! Xoxoxoxo. You get me through everything baby!!”

You can always tell who these people are by the random numbers they use as anniversary guides. Here’s how the guide goes for celebrating anniversaries. 6 months, 1 year, 2 year, 3 year, 4 year, 5 year, 10 year and increments of five henceforth. A three month anniversary? Are you shitting me? Is that really something to be proud of? You know relationships in America are in an awful place when we expect celebration for being able to stomach one person for 92 days at the most. Also, people need to stop putting “<3” in there as well. When I see “James <3” I think to myself, “It sucks that James will never be a higher integer than three.” It’s not clever. Now if it said “James 8=====D~~~~;)” I’d think to myself, “James has got some good aim, but why is this girl telling us he got her in the eye?” Still, it’s better.

The Person Affected by Any Death. Anywhere. Ever.

Ah, Facebook. You reveal more than you know. When I see a status that says, “Jane says Only the Good Die Young. RIP Kelly,” I start to die a little inside. Because more often than not, it’s somebody that the person was only loosely related to. Also, upon further investigation and interrogation of this person, you find that “Kelly” was a 93 year-old woman who once sat next to Jane when she took her grandmother to Bingo. And it wasn’t a humorous status either, because she’s crying. A cousin’s uncle’s brother-in-law’s dog doesn’t warrant a status of their own. The absurdity needs to stop!

Also, people, if you’re going to put a RIP in your status, don’t go so generic with “May Angels Lead You In” or “Only the Good Die Young.” It loses its sincerity when you take a line from a horrendous Billy Joel song (sidenote: Billy Joel is awful, Piano Man included. Fight me on it.) and is used by about a million and a half other people. How about something heartfelt. Or how about this, the deceased can’t read your status. Quit trying to draw attention to yourself and making people feel sad that you lost somebody. It happens. Deal with it in an appropriate manner and move on while honoring their memory instead of sullying it behind half-hearted statuses comprised of shitty songs.